


When in Paris

by tinnydandelion



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas feelings, Coda for 11x23, M/M, kind of hopefull ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 19:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7000831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinnydandelion/pseuds/tinnydandelion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas can still feel the aftermath of the spell in his bones. He knows what has happened, knows the feeling of getting banned. That has happened to him too often not to recognize when his body gets ripped away to somewhere else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When in Paris

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MashiarasDream](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MashiarasDream/gifts), [ViviTargaryen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViviTargaryen/gifts).



Cas can still feel the aftermath of the spell in his bones. He knows what has happened, knows the feeling of getting banned. That has happened to him too often not to recognize when his body gets ripped away to somewhere else. At least this time he didn't land in the ocean. Earth is covered by way too much water, chances are always high to land in some of that. Technicalities, that mean nothing now.

Still disoriented, he looks around. The Eiffeltower. Paris it is, the city of love they say. The aching pain in his heart tries to overcome him again and he pushes it back. Why he still feels the lingering of Dean's presence in it he doesn't know. Maybe it's like a phantom pain that stays with you way after you lost your hand... or heart as it is in this case. Stupid.

And now he is here. Far away from the only mission he has left, the last mission Dean gave him. Looking out for Sam, who is now alone in the bunker with... someone. Someone who banished him from being by his side to make sure that Sam doesn't do anything stupid. Focusing on Sam was easy. It took away his thoughts about how he felt, how Dean is gone. 

How Dean has saved the world one last time and died for it. But still, something inside of Cas doesn't want to believe that, is holding on to a non-existing hope, filling him with a longing that had slowly but steadily grown inside of him. And never really went away after... was it Purgatory or before that? He doesn't know anymore and he certainly doesn't care. It doesn't matter anymore. Maybe it's his own longing, his own pain and want. 

Dean and Sam have become his family, his home. Without even realizing it they both found a place in his heart but Dean... Dean is... was different. In so many ways. At least Cas got to hug him one last time, got to hold him. He almost wasn't able to let go, there still was so much unspoken between them.  


_I love you._  
But how could he say that? After Dean made it so perfectly clear where they stood.  
_Brother._  
Cas knows how much this weighs in Dean’s world, what a big compliment that is. So he should have felt happy about it and not.. disappointed.

He should have been happy to finally get Dean to tell him that he is a part of his family, a big part, that he is worth it and that for once Cas did what he had to do and Dean didn’t resent him for it. For once hearing from Dean that Cas actually helps, that he is not useless, that he is worth something. That Dean saw how Cas was always there. And Cas was. He was there, whenever he could and even when Dean didn’t know it.  
  
Cas was there when he was listening to Dean’s silent prayers in Purgatory. With his heart and mind, with everything he could, praying silently for Dean to survive, to find a way back home, to stay safe and as far as possible away from him.  
  
Cas was there when he was human, vulnerable and stripped of everything he was, when Dean kicked him out of the bunker without any good explanation, he was there and waiting day and night for Dean to come back, to tell him it was just a stupid joke. And he forgave Dean the moment he said _"I’m sorry."_. Because by then Cas began to realize how deeply he had fallen. He didn’t need Metatron telling him that.  
_“To save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right? Well, guess what. He's dead, too.”_  
He didn’t need that feeling of emptiness, of hopelessness that filled him, that overtook him. He had felt that something is missing, he knew that it was not a lie. He knew that Dean was gone. He knew it more than he knows it now. Still holding on to hope, to this warm feeling inside of him that hasn’t left him… yet.  
  
Cas was there when Dean was a Demon and even when he saw his face all twisted, he could see the man behind that, his bright soul shining through. He would have given anything to save him, like he saved him so many times before. Like Dean has saved him, even when he didn’t realize it.  
  
Cas was there, in darkness, in light, in good days and bad days. Not always seen by Dean, not always known by Dean, but with his mind, with his grace, with his heart -  he was there. Even when Lucifer told him over and over that Dean doesn’t care, that he was nothing but a tool, something that Dean would never be able to love, that he just uses to throw away after, even then his heart was with Dean, couldn’t get rid of him, couldn’t let go. 

A deep sigh escapes him as he slowly begins to realize what he has lost, as the full weight of Dean _gone_ hits him.  
_I should have told him. At least once._  
But it is too late now. __  
_I should have kissed him. At least once._  
But it is too late now.  
_I love you._  
_I miss you._  
_I failed you._  
_I am sorry._  
_I couldn’t keep Sam safe, I couldn’t stop you from sacrificing yourself, I couldn’t do anything in the end._  
_I had to let you go._  
It is too late now. 

Tears are falling down his cheeks and Cas lets them. He wants to hold on to that light inside him, to the longing that just doesn’t vanish, he wants to hold on to the memories, to the touches, to the small prayers Dean sent him sometimes. _(Hey, Cas, hope you are holding on. Cas, how are you? Man, Cas, you should have been here, Sam’s face was priceless. Cas… I... where are you?)_  
  
He wants to hold on, wants to keep fighting, to get back to Sam, to fulfil the last request the man who taught him human love has given him. He needs to do that. He needs to hold on to something, even if it’s just this small thing. He can do this for Dean. Like all the other things he has done for Dean.  
_“You have fallen in every way imaginable.”_  
Hester had been right.  
Cas has done that, way before he realized it for himself. 

Slowly Cas gets up, wipes away his tears. He still has a mission, a mission the righteous man gave him.  
_“Cas?”_  
And if there is anything left in this world he will fight for, it’s to protect Sam, to be there when he needs him, to be a brother, a family, even when it’s not the one he needs right now, but he will do everything to keep him from doing something he might regret. For that, Cas has to get back on his feet, has to get back to the bunker. Get back home.  
_“Can you hear me?”_  
Cas halts, turns around. Is he going insane now?  
_“Cas, I just… I just met my mum. I have no idea where I am.. Or when. I just hope you can hear me. Tell Sammy... tell him I will be home as soon as I can.”_  
No, this is Dean. This is definitely Dean. His heart skips a beat as he soaks up every word.  
_“And Cas…. I… will see you soon. I will find a way… I think that was it… Gosh, I always sucked at praying… Winchester out.”_  
  
Cas smiles and touches his chest right above his heart. There was a reason the longing was still there. Dean isn’t gone, Dean is still here.  
Cas opens his mouth and whispers:  
_“I will find a way, too, Dean. I will find a way home.”_


End file.
